5 Things Not to Say Onboard an Airplane

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Somehow, in spite of the fact that airplanes are now arguably the most secure and serious places on the planet, a new story seems to pop up every few weeks of someone saying exactly what you never should while flying.

Whether they’re playing a practical joke, they’re unaware of the weight of their statement or they suddenly lose it and decide that this flying metal bird full of paranoid people is the perfect place to air their grievances, passengers are still somehow failing to realize that this is probably the worst place on earth you could mouth off.

5 “I Will Always Love You!”

It turns out that singing passionately is also a no-no while rocketing through the clouds. A recent American Airlines flight traveling from Los Angeles to New York was forced to make an emergency landing in Kansas City, MO, in order to kick off a passenger who refused to stop singing Whitney Houston’s hit song from ‘The Bodyguard.’ Come on lady, wise up. You’ve got to know that nobody can pull off that song like Whitney does, especially at 35,000 feet.

4 “Just let me finish my game!”

Even celebrities aren’t immune to this one, which is pretty surprising since they’re so much better than the rest of us. While aboard a New York-bound American Airlines flight that had yet to take off from LAX, ’30 Rock’ star Alec Baldwin was removed from the aircraft after refusing to turn off his phone because he was in the middle of a killer game of ‘Words With Friends.’ But what was Alec supposed to do, just leave Tracy Morgan sitting there, desperately waiting for Alec to take his turn? That’s just bad etiquette.

3 “I’m getting out of here!”

Arguably, an airplane is the most inopportune place to suddenly decide you want to leave. It’s a giant metal box flying at 500 mph, and its ability to stay in the air hinges largely on it being completely sealed. That didn’t stop one passenger on an Alaskan Airlines flight from Anchorage to Portland though, as he decided mid-flight he was going to try to open an emergency exit. He was subdued by passengers and crew members, and eventually got his wish to get off the plane, though it was in the company of more federal officers than he likely preferred.

2 “I’ll set this plane on fire!”

Again, this is a statement you generally want to avoid making anywhere, what with people often getting upset by the prospect of being set on fire. But considering the inescapability of an airplane, it’s definitely pretty high on the list of worst places. A recent Egypt Air flight from Cairo to New York was grounded in Scotland after a napkin was found that said “I’ll set this plane on fire.” Authorities investigated and passengers weren’t allowed to disembark until three hours after the plane had landed, by which point they were probably all ready to set the plane on fire.

1 “I poisoned everyone on board!”

In all fairness, it’s probably not the best idea to stand up and claim that you’ve poisoned everyone in any public place, but an airplane it still probably the worst. That’s exactly what happened though during a recent United Airlines flight from Hong Kong to Newark, where the self-proclaimed bio-terrorist was met by 10 officers who took him off the plane upon its arrival in New Jersey. And we’re assuming he was not being escorted to the airport Ramada.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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