Top 5 Crazy Wal-Mart Stories

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There’s nothing you can’t find at Wal-Mart. Literally, NOTHING. Because not only does the massive retailer offer a plentiful bounty when it comes to providing customers with goods and services, but now Wal-Mart has come to be known as the setting for some of the most ludicrous stories you will ever hear.
In fact, so much weirdness has gone down inside the collective walls of Wal-Mart, that now it’s pretty much just an accepted part of the store. You know that they offer quality products at low, low prices, and that you’re pretty much guaranteed to run into at least one person who is bats#!t insane while you’re there.

5 Milk Thief

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Back in 2011, an 18-year-old took it upon himself to steal 26 gallons of milk from a Virginia Wal-Mart… while dressed as a cow. Here’s the thing though, the craziest part of this story is not that he was dressed as a cow, but rather that he somehow managed to get 26 gallons of milk out of the store without being stopped by anyone. So no matter how strange, you have to admit that this bovine sympathizer accomplished something truly impressive with what can only be called Danny Ocean-like heisting skills.

4 River Rat Attack

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Sure, you’ve probably run into some less than savory characters in your local Wal-Mart, but at least you’ve never encountered a wild nutria. What is a nutria you ask? Well, it’s basically just a giant rat-beaver that popped out from behind a soda shelf in a Louisiana Wal-Mart, and charged toward a woman who was so terrified that she ran over and broke her own foot with her shopping cart while attempting to flee.

3 Naked Sock Stealer

See, the real problem with these megastores is that they attract a lot more naked ogres than your traditional mom n’ pop shops. Case in point, customers in a Pennsylvania Wal-Mart were treated to quite a site back in early 2012, when a 6’4”, 300+ pound man stripped naked, and waltzed into the store in search of some socks. After finding the perfect pair to slip over his little piggies, he was approached by police, but refused to surrender. And that is when everyone got to witness firsthand, the rippling flesh of a naked giant being tasered.

2 Meth Lab

Wait, hold on. Surely not even the strangest and most delinquent among those who patronize Wal-Mart would attempt to cook crystal methamphetamine inside the store, right? Wrong. Actually, people have tried it on multiple occasions; once in Alabama, and once in Kentucky (we’ll give you a moment to pick your jaws up off the floor following the shocking revelation that this could happen in such fine, upstanding states). Yes, apparently Wal-Mart bathrooms have become hot spots for what they call “shake and bake” labs, which are far less delicious and far more explosive than their namesake would suggest.

1 Wallet Full of What?

Now you’re probably wondering what on earth could have happened inside a Wal-Mart that would out-crazy cooking meth in the bathroom. And somehow, the answer could only be this; a wallet full of teeth. Back in 2009, a man was perusing a Cape Cod-area Wal-Mart in search of a new wallet, but when he found the one he fancied most, he opened it only to find the zipper pocket was holding 10 human teeth. What’s the lesson here? Always go with a money clip, because no one can hide 10 human teeth inside a money clip.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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